Protein Bar challenge wrap up

Its February 1st and that means the protein bar challenge 2013 is over. as the first month of the year comes to a close i sit here and try to think of all that i have done.

there are a ton of things i could tell you about! the protein challenge has got me pumped up about eating right and working out. every time i go to the oak brook location i'm treated like a rock star. aren't you larissa? oh my god how's it going? wow congrats on the weight lose! etc etc. i could tell you about how my cankles now look like ankles again (woo woo), how my family and i are eating way better and i now get up with my son to play and dance (he's loving the extra attention). but i think to really get my point across on how much i've changed in 4 weeks, i must reveal a secret. 

it's a secret so shaming, no one knows but my husband. it's not what you would expect out of a twenty something female in todays day and age. it's something i've hidden for so long. 

here goes. i wear granny panties. all the way past the belly button big ole panties! 

that's right i wear granny panties. oh i know i know. but they cover so well and when you wear pants that go over your belly button for two years straight it's just a perfect match. i blame my maternity clothes for the introduction to granny panties. it was comfortable and concealing. and after i gave birth to my daughter. i don't know it was the connivence of it, i was already in so deep. and i no longer had to look at my love handles in the mirror they were hidden. you couldn't see my tummy shake because the band over my belly button held everything in so well. that's how they became part of my regular every day none pregnant wardrobe. i'm so ashamed. i know i had a problem when i bought my first pair of none maternity pants and had to roll my underwear down so you couldn't see them over the top of my jeans.

and now here we are February first and guess what i didn't even notice at first. i just grabbed a pair went. but folding laundry i look down and see a pair of low raisers mixed into my lot. nothing special just ole cotton ones with my socks and shirts.  i guess at some point i dug them out of a drawer without looking and just put them on. why is this a big deal? because i didn't notice them, i didn't feel them digging in my sides, or my muffin top shaking all about, nothing rode up, nothing looked funny under clothes. they were just perfectly silently there.  i was comfortable.

thats what i really needed to find again, how to be comfortable in my body again.

 i'm not the size i would like to be just yet, i'm not at the fitness level i would like to be either. but i'm working towards it and i'm feeling good. my first thought isn't anymore uck i hate this or i hate that, its wow that's looking good, it's not a huge huge change (skinny jeans aren't an option just yet) but i see it and i feel great about it. i know it's silly it's just underwear but it really has made me feel like i'm me again. before this challenge i wasn't feeling good about myself in any way. not outside or in, but now that i have put that effort into me again i'm feeling like i can do so much more. 

when it comes to my pt i'm not where i want to be just yet. but something i couldn't do four weeks ago was finish a pt test. i had to stop running i couldn't make the whole 2 miles, and sit ups oh boy were those hard, i think i did like 15 my first time. if that. and now i can finish 2 miles, i can do 45 sit-ups again and do push ups. i'm not within the time but i think i'll make it with time and commitment. because for the first time in a long long long long time (did i mention it has been a long time) i actually believe in myself. and that is a great feeling. almost as great as a pair of clean low raisers.

my hubby

so it's 1:30am and i just got back from the gym. my hubby is passed out on the couch with the kids. this is the last week of the protein bar challenge and my first month of trying to get back in shape is coming to an end. and i want to take a moment to thank my hubby, at yes 1:30 in the morning. why this late?

my husband works 6 days a week and usually gets off during the week at 9ish, so the only time i have to go to the gym is either really really early in the morning or late at night. and no matter how hard i try i do not wake up before 7 if i'm not getting paid to. which makes me a late night runner.the only reason why i've been able to work out so much this last month is because the hubby has been so supportive. he has been amazing watching the kids, eating new healthy foods, and being my cheerleader. i'm pretty lucky, actually i'm very very lucky.

i'm lucky for many reasons and i'll try not to brag too much here, but he's a pretty amazing person. besides being a great dad and husband, mitch is my best friend and i can always count on his love. we are pretty protective of our relationship to the point that it's border line defensive. i think we throw people through a lope when we tell them we got married after we met in a war zone and only 4 months of dating. but here we are 3 years later and 2 kids making it work. i don't think that i've ever loved anyone the way i love my husband. and i don't think anyone has ever loved me the way my husband has loved me. i know no matter how bad or hard things get he's always going to be there and we will always be together. and even though i don't think that i look good after two kids, i know that when my husband tells me i'm beautiful and loves the way i look right this very moment,  in my heart i know he truly means it.
after 2 kids i've gained 50 pounds but he still looks at me the way i did 50 pounds ago. he must have trouble with his eye sight to be honest to not see the stretch marks on my stomach, but he doesn't. i love him for ignorant naive guy he is when it comes to my body. i look around and i have tons of things to be motivated about, i want to win this challenge, i want to stay in the army, i want to be a good example for my kids, i want skinny jeans ( oh god how i want skinny jeans!), but my biggest motivator will always be my hubby. it's not just looking good for him but i really want to make him proud. so many times i've been able to say yep thats my husband i'm so proud of him. i hope that over the next week and even after he can say the same thing about me. of course he says it now, but i hope he says it again next time when i pass a pt test and after that when i finish a 5k. which are the two goals i have for the remainder of the year.

and i hope he knows how much i truly love him and always will. i'm a lucky girl to have met and married such a great guy.

the last kid in

we are now currently 3 weeks into the protein bar challenge. and i feel like i've hit a snag.

the last few times i've ran a pt test it's been at this park with an unusual shaped trail, 2 miles is 3 laps and than a sort of half lap. when i run the first half lap i'm always in good spirit, i pep myself up with i can do this this isn't so bad what great running weather. about at the end of the first full lap is when everyone who was behind me is now in front of me. around the second lap is when those people start passing me... and than that's when i stop believing in myself. i quickly turn to what the heck? whats wrong with me? i'm tired, i'm going to puke, my shoes aren't tied tight enough i can't run. around the third lap i'm still making ok time, if i just finish strong i can do this, and than that last half lap.... and that's when i just give up, everyone has finished by this time, about 60% of the time i've already puked. and i'm usually the last guy on the track... and it's embarrassing and i just give up cause there's no point when everyone has already left and gone to their cars.

and that's me on a pt run test. and that's what has happened this last week... don't get me wrong i have hit some big milestones for myself. i've lost weight, i was given and can fit a protein bar shirt in a size L, i have worn an XL since being pregnant with my son, and i did 45 sit ups in under two minutes. when i started doing sit-ups three weeks ago, i did 15... and i barley made those. i go to the gym so often that the front desk knows my member number by heart. and i haven't eaten a french frie in a month!

when you look at all that it sounds great!! but than i look at the other people doing the same challenge as me, and that's where i start measuring myself against other people. and than i just feel embrassed because even though i've worked so hard i don't think i can keep up. and so many of them are so much more fitter than i am. and sometimes  i get tired of being the last kid in.

and so i've spent a few days as woo is me. luckily because i don't by junk at the store anymore i've only pigged out on lactation cookies and lots of hummus. (not together of course). and i swear it's like the protein bar can read my mind sometimes, and this last week they  posted a  a blog about discouragement (link http://www.theproteinbar.com/blog/talkin-fit-sko-fit-bad-days-stride ). the blog talks about the bad days. and i'm sitting here at the computer going oh my god you are right! it's what you do with the bad days thats going to matter in the end. that last half sort of lap is where the money is. if i just keep pushing not for other people but  myself i just might make it. i'll only fail for sure if i stop running, if i keep running than who knows it might just be possible to finish strong.

my goal for this last week of the protein challenge is to finish strong. orngially i wanted to lose 15 pounds and have even been promised a spa day for it, and when i figured out this last week that this may not hit this goal i just sulked. if i give up now i really won't make any goal but if i keep pushing than i do have a possibility.  and if i don't make it within the week than oh well. i'll make it the next week. which i'm not going to lie kind of sucks but  after all it's not a resolution it's a revolution. and i plan to keep up this lifestyle of healthy food and exercise till i reach those goals i set up for myself.  and than i'm going to one up myself and aim for a new goal. my friend set up a group of people who are planning on running a bunch of races this year, and i want in. i want to try, if i don't keep up thats ok, cause i'm going to finish each one of those races strong and with  a positive attitude. even if i'm the last kid in at least i'll cross the finish line. and thats all that matters in the end.

end of week two round up

i haven't written in a while, i need to catch everyone up! i even missed my end of week two round up!

last couple weeks i feel like i've climbed over a huge hurdle and its smooth sailings, it's just coming so easy and i'm on this get fit roll! i've changed so much! i try to go to the gym everyday but may only get there 3-5 times a week, pretty great since before that i was going zero times a week. i have stopped bringing in junk food. i still have snacks but i have healthy options, tons of fruits and veggies, hummus to dip things in, greek yogurt to smoother anything and everything in. i still have my coffee with cream, but i don't have cookies or candy between meals. and i may have developed a bar-rito addiction. i'm eating healthy and i'm enjoying it. and get this i do push ups and sit ups every day. on my own. now that is like a miracle. because i'm doing all this my kids are benefiting too, i run around with my son, we do dance parties, which is basically where we yell dance party and dance in place. he also does the cutest thing, whenever i get down and do push ups, he gets down and does push ups, of course he's too young to do a proper push up, his push up is to get in the front leaning rest position (knees on ground) and kiss the floor and go ahhh after each "push up" it's the cutest thing. not to mention he eats what i eat so he's been eating a lot healthier and more veggies.

so everything is great, life is good, everything is sunny.... in till of course something comes up. and than life is blah again. and i don't want to try anymore.

when ever we are happy and things seem to work that's when the whole ptsd pops up to remind us, hey i'm still here. and i think i put off writing this blog this week because i didn't want to make this about my husband nor do i ever want him to think that for any reason i'm unhappy because of him. i need to be honest with myself and recognize that the things that effect him also have an effect on me. in case you don't know my husband was injured in Afghanistan and suffers from ptsd. he was medically discharged from the british army for this. (ptsd stands for post traumatic syndrome disorder). i know my husband won't be happy with me writing about him or this so i will try not to go into detail and concentrate on the effects instead of the causes.
we are currently dealing with his discharge and trying to fight for some medical treatment. since he's a UK soldier he doesn't qualify for any veteran's benefits here in the states. if anyone knows anything about ptsd is that it's a life long condition. you will always be recovering and working towards that recovery. and trying to get benefits is hard and heartbreaking. it feels like you are fighting for the right to get better, its an up hill battle. everything in your life is effected by your ptsd.
i started talking to someone back in november because my husband asked me too. and one thing i'm trying so hard to work on is the fact i can't control what happens but i can control my reaction to it. and it is like the hardest dang thing ever! you can say that over and over, but it's hard not to read my hubby's medical paper work and not have my blood boil. i get so angry and i use that anger to get out of other things. i can't go to the gym because i'm mad or i need to take a break from eating healthy cause im just too stressed to care. i let stress control every aspect of my life. and earlier this week we received not so good news, and i totally ditched out of the gym for 2 days. it's normal not to make it to the gym every day, but i literally said in my head i'm not going today because this happened.

this last summer i talked to my chaplain and he made a comment to me, how can you care for your husband or kids if you don't care for yourself. and it's taken me long time to figure this out, but i can't. to be a good wife and good mommy i need to take care of myself. my son is going to learn from my actions, if i'm sitting on the couch mopping and eating junk feeling sorry for myself, he's going to grow up thinking thats how you're suppose to respond to bad news. if my husband comes home to a wife who is sad and depressed every day he's going to be sad and depressed because he's going to think he caused it! i need to change how i respond to things and take care of myself even when i don't want to. so i can be a good example to my family.

it's so easier to say than do. but i'm trying to make a change in  myself. so i finally got my butt of the couch and went to the gym. and i did something amazing. i ran. you read that right, i larissa aka dsky ran. and it felt good. i cleared my mind, i took some me time, i listened to nothing. and when i got home i was able to look at everything again with a clear head. maybe it was just the lost of oxygen to my brain but it really worked. it didn't change the stress in my life, that is still there. but working on my response to it is helping me shape how that stress effects my life. this not so good news we've heard is not going to go away but i'm not going to allow it to effect how i want to live and who i want to be.  i am going to be the mother and wife that my family deserves.

RESPECT

i know many battle buddies (aka army friends) are reading this and saying but Dsky you've done this before! you've said this before and you lost the weight before and you still came up short and failed that PT test (physical training test).
and i have to say i know, and i'm sorry. i've had you stand beside me only to fail you and i know that this isn't the first time or even second time. but this time guys i know i can do this.

but why dsky and how?? what's different this time around?

one reason and only one reason this time. respect.

i was at the gym the other week and i was doing my treadmill walk when i saw a girl in uniform. not any uniform, army uniform (can i get hooah). now i need to say i work out at a gym down the street from my house this isn't a base nor is it a gym even near one. and usually i'm so excited to see other people in uniform, i can only compare it to seeing someone else wearing your frat shirt in public. the army is like this great club that we all belong to and no matter how different we all are, army is this great common ground we share. but this girl horrified me, why you ask. because she had her hair in a pony tail, in acus.
so civilian people are going, ahhh so? it's because a pony tail is out of uniform, and you can say it's just a pony tail. but it's not, its complete lack of dispaline and respect. if you are going to wear this uniform, if you are going to wake up in the morning and put these colors on your back and that US ARMY over your heart. well you better wear that thing with pride. and if you are going to disrespect your uniform and wear it in a way you know that you are not authorized to, well than you shouldn't even bother putting it on. there i am on the treadmill giving this girl the dirtiest looks thinking no way. how could she, she knows she is in the wrong. when i look in the mirror at myself.

i am over weight, i can not even put my uniform on at this point. what does that say about me?  i sit here and i say i love it, i say i'm proud to wear it. but i disrespect it more than anyone because i don't put in the time and effort to wear it with pride.

1%, is the number of people out of the population that serve in the military. if anything i owe this country for allowing me to serve in the military. for letting me train and work with the greatest people and the greatest tools. even though i'm only a weekend warrior the army has given me everything i could want. i met my husband through the army, i have 2 kids because of the army. i have the american dream because of the army and this nation. and i let myself get to a point where i can't even properly do my job and give anything back  to this country.

my husband was medically discharged from the british army, a lot of his friends aren't able to serve anymore because of combat injuries. and if any of those boys could even for just one day put that uniform back on and fight for their country they would. if you told them you have to run a 100 miles, they would find a way to get to that finish line, just for one more day in uniform. and there are thousands of troops american and british that just wish they could wear that uniform again. there's nothing wrong with me i have the opportunity to, but instead i take the easy way out and sit back, instead of fighting. and i'm done with that. i want the army and i want to fight for it because i still have the ability to.

so i guess what has changed is i finally pulled my head out of my butt and i'm ready to do the hard work. i only have myself to blame for taking this long but i hope that i'm able to become the person and the soldier i want to be.

i will always place the mission first. week one round up

so it is time for my weekly weigh in and i'm so nervous i could puke.

the scale has always scared me, because it means i can't lie to myself. i can always avoid the scale because if i don't know than there's no problem. i can always avoid full length mirrors and just assume the lower half looks decent.  i can always wear my husband's pants instead of mine so i don't feel bad about not fitting them. and  i can make excuses and blame everything else for not being able to run, it's too cold to breath, i don't have the right shoes, this or that hurts. but when i look at the scale and see those bright numbers that say exactly how much i have let myself go i can't really ignore my size anymore.
 the scale depresses me so i avoid it, the fridge on the other hand makes me feel good with yummy goodness. and so here we are in horrible loop that i keep allowing myself to go through.

in the army we have something called the 7 army values, they are values that as a soldier you are to live by. and i am terribly guilty of breaking one of the army values personal responsibility. i have not kept accountability of my fitness and my weight. i have let myself go to a point where i would be considered not mission capable. not only i'm i disappointment to myself, my family, but i'm a disappointment to my country.

i try to think on how i got this far in, when my husband was hurt in Afghanistan in 2010 there was a lot of stress, looking back i do think that his injury effected me more than i would care to admit. i stopped doing things i liked and let the excuse that i had too much on my plate to do what i needed to do for my fitness. a year later i became pregnant with our son JR and man did i enjoy pregnancy! or at least the i can eat whatever i'm preggo, yum yum yum! and a second pregnancy just let me allow myself more of that. i'm sure these are all valid reasons but what they are really are excuses. and everyone has a reason why they didn't do this or that. i don't want to be that person anymore, i want to be the person someone looks at says she has gone through all that and look what she can still do!

the army as a weekend warrior isn't always the greatest, you will always miss something because of drill, you will be tired and work long hours, you will always have the possibility of having to leave your life to go serve your country at any moment. its hard and sometimes it stinks, but i love it. i love my uniform and that is why i want to be honest with myself and with everyone in my life. so i am going to do something that i have never done before, not even at the dmv... i am going to post my real weight. not the rounded to the nearest ten, not what i wish it was, my real to date weight... i have never told anyone, well army found out but all that is confidential (right?). even my husband who is my soulmate who i have no secrets with doesn't know my real weight!
so here it is.... 221.1 pounds. there i said it really that it. uck that hurt, please don't re-read that sentence, don't look at that twice... uck. i have lost 7.5 pounds this week, its a great start. and please don't do the math to figure out my starting weight. i feel motivated and ready to lose more!

my contract ends in april and i could bow out of the army gracefully and not even try and avoid having to be accountable for anything. and god that would be so easy. but i don't want easy i want the army. and by making this statement public and doing the protein bar challenge, i am making myself personally accountable for my fitness. now i can't hide at the back of formation or go to the bathroom and disappear before a run, i have no excuses. but i do hope i have all your support. so here i go the final stretch and dang it i'm going to give it my all. for honor duty and country!!
and to fit in skinny jeans.

meet the challenger!

so exciting news for the new year! if you haven't heard yet i will be representing the protein bar in oak brook, il for their 2013 protein challenger! woo woo! what is this you ask, no it's not a jenny craig ( someone asked me this) protein bar is a restaurant that has lots of yummy good for you food, like the name everything has lots of protein and if you need to be more regular lots of fiber (monika i'm talking to you). they have this contest every year to get people motivated to live a healthier life! so i as the challenger i get an awesome gift card to fuel my body. and i compete against all the other store challengers for.... A TRIP TO DC! woo woo! i know it's dc not disney world, but can you imagine how much fun it would be to go see all the sights in our nation's capital! and with an active military id i bet there's killer discounts!
so i'm a little excited, and so motivated. i really don't know why they chose little ole me, i have just started a blog i have no followers on twitter, and i am not a fit person by any means. i'm looking at these people and they run marathons and can stand on their heads in a yoga class and know how to work all the weight machines at the gym. and than here's me stay at home mama who plays army once a month. my workout is picking up all the toys around house 20 times a day and dashing to get to an open gate before my toddler son does! i guess i'm just your average joe, i mean my gym even has cupcakes. but for some reason they like me they really like me! which is good cause i really like their restaurant!
maybe they chose me because i am your average mrs joe, yes i'm military but i struggle with my weight and fitness like anyone, i don't have time to spend hours at the gym or money to buy catered food. i really believe that anyone can commit to a healthy life style with just an "iron will and the grace of god"! and some yummy free food. so here we go with an extra push, a gift card, and the occasional after workout cupcake!
 #PBchallenge2013