i haven't written in a while, i need to catch everyone up! i even missed my end of week two round up!
last couple weeks i feel like i've climbed over a huge hurdle and its smooth sailings, it's just coming so easy and i'm on this get fit roll! i've changed so much! i try to go to the gym everyday but may only get there 3-5 times a week, pretty great since before that i was going zero times a week. i have stopped bringing in junk food. i still have snacks but i have healthy options, tons of fruits and veggies, hummus to dip things in, greek yogurt to smoother anything and everything in. i still have my coffee with cream, but i don't have cookies or candy between meals. and i may have developed a bar-rito addiction. i'm eating healthy and i'm enjoying it. and get this i do push ups and sit ups every day. on my own. now that is like a miracle. because i'm doing all this my kids are benefiting too, i run around with my son, we do dance parties, which is basically where we yell dance party and dance in place. he also does the cutest thing, whenever i get down and do push ups, he gets down and does push ups, of course he's too young to do a proper push up, his push up is to get in the front leaning rest position (knees on ground) and kiss the floor and go ahhh after each "push up" it's the cutest thing. not to mention he eats what i eat so he's been eating a lot healthier and more veggies.
so everything is great, life is good, everything is sunny.... in till of course something comes up. and than life is blah again. and i don't want to try anymore.
when ever we are happy and things seem to work that's when the whole ptsd pops up to remind us, hey i'm still here. and i think i put off writing this blog this week because i didn't want to make this about my husband nor do i ever want him to think that for any reason i'm unhappy because of him. i need to be honest with myself and recognize that the things that effect him also have an effect on me. in case you don't know my husband was injured in Afghanistan and suffers from ptsd. he was medically discharged from the british army for this. (ptsd stands for post traumatic syndrome disorder). i know my husband won't be happy with me writing about him or this so i will try not to go into detail and concentrate on the effects instead of the causes.
we are currently dealing with his discharge and trying to fight for some medical treatment. since he's a UK soldier he doesn't qualify for any veteran's benefits here in the states. if anyone knows anything about ptsd is that it's a life long condition. you will always be recovering and working towards that recovery. and trying to get benefits is hard and heartbreaking. it feels like you are fighting for the right to get better, its an up hill battle. everything in your life is effected by your ptsd.
i started talking to someone back in november because my husband asked me too. and one thing i'm trying so hard to work on is the fact i can't control what happens but i can control my reaction to it. and it is like the hardest dang thing ever! you can say that over and over, but it's hard not to read my hubby's medical paper work and not have my blood boil. i get so angry and i use that anger to get out of other things. i can't go to the gym because i'm mad or i need to take a break from eating healthy cause im just too stressed to care. i let stress control every aspect of my life. and earlier this week we received not so good news, and i totally ditched out of the gym for 2 days. it's normal not to make it to the gym every day, but i literally said in my head i'm not going today because this happened.
this last summer i talked to my chaplain and he made a comment to me, how can you care for your husband or kids if you don't care for yourself. and it's taken me long time to figure this out, but i can't. to be a good wife and good mommy i need to take care of myself. my son is going to learn from my actions, if i'm sitting on the couch mopping and eating junk feeling sorry for myself, he's going to grow up thinking thats how you're suppose to respond to bad news. if my husband comes home to a wife who is sad and depressed every day he's going to be sad and depressed because he's going to think he caused it! i need to change how i respond to things and take care of myself even when i don't want to. so i can be a good example to my family.
it's so easier to say than do. but i'm trying to make a change in myself. so i finally got my butt of the couch and went to the gym. and i did something amazing. i ran. you read that right, i larissa aka dsky ran. and it felt good. i cleared my mind, i took some me time, i listened to nothing. and when i got home i was able to look at everything again with a clear head. maybe it was just the lost of oxygen to my brain but it really worked. it didn't change the stress in my life, that is still there. but working on my response to it is helping me shape how that stress effects my life. this not so good news we've heard is not going to go away but i'm not going to allow it to effect how i want to live and who i want to be. i am going to be the mother and wife that my family deserves.