Wednesday, January 9, 2013

i will always place the mission first. week one round up

so it is time for my weekly weigh in and i'm so nervous i could puke.

the scale has always scared me, because it means i can't lie to myself. i can always avoid the scale because if i don't know than there's no problem. i can always avoid full length mirrors and just assume the lower half looks decent.  i can always wear my husband's pants instead of mine so i don't feel bad about not fitting them. and  i can make excuses and blame everything else for not being able to run, it's too cold to breath, i don't have the right shoes, this or that hurts. but when i look at the scale and see those bright numbers that say exactly how much i have let myself go i can't really ignore my size anymore.
 the scale depresses me so i avoid it, the fridge on the other hand makes me feel good with yummy goodness. and so here we are in horrible loop that i keep allowing myself to go through.

in the army we have something called the 7 army values, they are values that as a soldier you are to live by. and i am terribly guilty of breaking one of the army values personal responsibility. i have not kept accountability of my fitness and my weight. i have let myself go to a point where i would be considered not mission capable. not only i'm i disappointment to myself, my family, but i'm a disappointment to my country.

i try to think on how i got this far in, when my husband was hurt in Afghanistan in 2010 there was a lot of stress, looking back i do think that his injury effected me more than i would care to admit. i stopped doing things i liked and let the excuse that i had too much on my plate to do what i needed to do for my fitness. a year later i became pregnant with our son JR and man did i enjoy pregnancy! or at least the i can eat whatever i'm preggo, yum yum yum! and a second pregnancy just let me allow myself more of that. i'm sure these are all valid reasons but what they are really are excuses. and everyone has a reason why they didn't do this or that. i don't want to be that person anymore, i want to be the person someone looks at says she has gone through all that and look what she can still do!

the army as a weekend warrior isn't always the greatest, you will always miss something because of drill, you will be tired and work long hours, you will always have the possibility of having to leave your life to go serve your country at any moment. its hard and sometimes it stinks, but i love it. i love my uniform and that is why i want to be honest with myself and with everyone in my life. so i am going to do something that i have never done before, not even at the dmv... i am going to post my real weight. not the rounded to the nearest ten, not what i wish it was, my real to date weight... i have never told anyone, well army found out but all that is confidential (right?). even my husband who is my soulmate who i have no secrets with doesn't know my real weight!
so here it is.... 221.1 pounds. there i said it really that it. uck that hurt, please don't re-read that sentence, don't look at that twice... uck. i have lost 7.5 pounds this week, its a great start. and please don't do the math to figure out my starting weight. i feel motivated and ready to lose more!

my contract ends in april and i could bow out of the army gracefully and not even try and avoid having to be accountable for anything. and god that would be so easy. but i don't want easy i want the army. and by making this statement public and doing the protein bar challenge, i am making myself personally accountable for my fitness. now i can't hide at the back of formation or go to the bathroom and disappear before a run, i have no excuses. but i do hope i have all your support. so here i go the final stretch and dang it i'm going to give it my all. for honor duty and country!!
and to fit in skinny jeans.

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